A Way To the Light

I've been struggling with whether or not I wanted to write this. Resisting, because so often, social media can serve as a platform for artificiality. And when something truly big happens in life, I fear that "putting it out there" like this may cheapen our sentiments or devalue our emotions. But this is not that. And it never will be. It isn't my intention to be disingenuous. In truth, I have learned, that this place called the internet can actually be quite a soft and safe place to land. A lifeboat when you've been treading water for too long.  I know that for four years, it has served as a place of community and of comfort and support for my dear friend, Tammy. And if this little blog reaches even just one heart tonight that will pray for her, well then I think writing here is exactly what I should do.

Tammy lost her daughter to cancer on Saturday. Ashley was only twenty years old... 

After 5 minutes of staring at the cursor on my computer screen, I have no idea what else to write. I've read those last words over and over. Felt their weight. Dipped my palms in the agonizing waters, of whose depth I can scarcely comprehend. Tammy lost her daughter to cancer.  What can I say that won't fall short? What can I say that won't sound hollow in my own ears? At best, words can only poorly express the sadness I feel for my friend. How can I possibly know the pain she is harboring? Tonight a mother weeps. Holding on to her husband, they wonder how they'll get through without their daughter. They'll pray to their God. Cling to Him. Finding comfort only in Him and the knowledge that Ashley is rejoicing in heaven. 

In times like these, words always fall short. We wish there were something, anything we could do. I think all we can do is be there for her. To help her pick up the pieces of her broken heart and to hold her close to our own. To pray. Always to pray. For comfort. For peace. For strength. 

I read this on Tammy and Troy's Facebook page a few days ago. It was written by someone whose life was touched, like so many others, by Ashley. I thought it was so beautiful.  

Somewhere a journey begins at the end of the worldly existence we know. 

Somewhere a path stretches over the stars and where rivers of memories flow. 

Somewhere a silence is heard far away and the brightness of day fills the night, 

where the trials of life are resolved into peace when a soul finds her way to the light. 

For tonight, this is enough...

Please pray for Tammy and Troy. Pray for comfort. For peace. For strength. 

Life, Lately.

There has been a lot going on around here lately. Our little family has certainly seen its fair share of change. Within the last month, we have been to (collectively) five different states.  After leaving Florida, we spent a week in New York with Jared's family. Afterwards, Emerson and I flew to Tennessee and Jared went to California for a week to find our new home. He's definitely had to shoulder most of the moving responsibilities. Now, Jared is in Alabama with his boat, and Emerson and I are in Tennessee with my mom and dad.

Our little family has been apart for nearly 3 weeks now. It isn't easy being away. Happily, we'll see each other for several days soon. But then not again until Emerson and I make our way to Los Angeles in July. Although spending time with my mom and dad has been truly wonderful, I do miss our family of three and look forward to settling into our new nest in Cali. 

Yes, life has been busy. 

{Life lately. In pictures...}

Our last days in Key West... We watched as movers packed up our home, had the best breakfast sandwiches and coffee in all of Key West, and danced together as we celebrated our sweet girl's 1st birthday in old town.

The man singing that night sang "Happy Birthday" and "My Girl" to Emerson. She loved it. Thank you for the video, Nikki!

New York... Emerson felt soft grass under her feet for the first time. We loved on Logan, relaxed with family, ate take out and watched cousins play. Jared and I went on a date, where we talked of our future and our daughter over a bottle of wine. Jared and Frank battled it out with a quick hockey game in the rain. Rangers vs Bruins and a sweet birthday party at Jess and Frank's. And plenty of hugs from Moncu.

Tennessee... Tennessee always welcomes us with such warmth. We spent hours each day outside- sitting on the front porch steps. Little legs swinging back and forth. Running through sprinklers, picking Mima's flowers and helping Poppy Pop work on the car. Emerson played in the rain for the first time. She splashed through puddles, smiling her big toothy smile at the late spring rain falling on her cheeks. 

I can remember when Jared and I were first dating. I was living in Cape Canaveral and he was living in San Diego. We visited each other every other month. I would fly there one month and he would come to me two months later. When we were together, I felt complete. When we were apart, I felt like I was existing with only half a heart. I was fine. Life was good. But I always felt like the life within those moments of living was missing something. And it was. 

Soon, we'll be back together. Jared, Emerson and I. And we'll continue this crazy thing called life that we are living. In California again. Where we first learned that we couldn't be apart from one-another. Where he proposed. But this time, with the product of our love. Our sweet daughter. There has been a lot of change going on around here, for sure. Life lately has been busy. And I can't wait for it to settle back into that ryhthm that can only be made when the three of us are one.

12 Months

My Dearest Emerson,

The paradox of motherhood, as I've heard it called, is that although our days seem sometimes to slowly pass, time, when mused over collectively, seems to elude us. It is no different for me as my breath is still lost somewhere in my chest when I think of the fact that you are one. Despite it's expected arrival, your 1st birthday still came as something of a shock to me.

You are one...and there are so many things I want to tell you. I've thought and thought about just what it is I want to say in this- my letter to you at 12 months. So I'll begin with something I tell you many times every day. I love you so very much.

There are three moments in my life that I will forever remember as my happiest. They are- the moment your father asked me to marry him, the day he and I became husband and wife, and the moment you were placed on my chest for the very first time. Since then, love like I've never known it, fills each space of my heart, overflowing it with such emotion for our tiny family. For you. How lucky I am indeed to have the privileged of feeling the weight of your tiny body on my chest so many more times after that, and watching in wonder as you grew within your first year.

Watching in wonder, because you do truly fill me with wonder...

My sweet girl, every day I am filled with such hope as I watch you grow and change and develop. As I watch you become. You have so much of your Daddy in you. Not only do you look just like him, you have his spirit. His strength of mind, his will, his determination. You are inquisitive just like him and you love a challenge. You never stop, Little Bird. You are always on the go. Exploring, learning, discovering the world that is unfolding around you. And although I end many of my days dog-tired, it is the most delightful exhaustion because it means that I did something great. Something sacred. I spent another day raising you.

I'd like to think you have a little bit of me in you too. After all, we once shared the same body. My heartbeat was once your lullaby. And although there is a sadness, a knot in the pit of my stomach that comes with the realization that I am forgetting exactly what that was like- to be one body, it's okay. Because the focus of so many of my thoughts are still on you. No longer on growing safely inside my belly, but on watching you grow out in the world. The paradox continues.

I recently read this quote. It was originally written in a book called The Joy Luck Club. It goes like this, "I love my daughter. She and I have shared the same body. There is a part of her mind that is a part of mine. But when she was born, she sprang from me like a slippery fish, and has been swimming away ever since. All her life I have watched her, as if from another shore. "I'm already standing on that shore, Baby. Looking onto an infinite sea. A splendid world of incomprehensible depth and breadth. It's your world, Emerson. It's vast, it's great, and it's yours.

The one thing you should know, the one thing you must know above all other truths, is that we love you so much and we will always, always be here for you. As you continue to explore this great big world, we will always be here waiting with open arms if you should need them. Our love for you, like the ocean is vast. And it's depth for you is endless, without limits.

Happy 1st Birthday, Emerson. You are so loved.

Love,
Mama