Enjoy Life More

Yesterday was our six year anniversary. We started the day off slowly. We laid in bed until 8 AM, as a gift from our sweet daughter, who decided to sleep in that day. Breakfast at Norm's- our new favorite diner. Time spent at home, a walk through Madrona Marsh, and an early evening bike ride to the park, where Jared got to see for the first time our little adventure baby go down the slide all by herself. Dinner followed- steak, hot off the grill, which Emerson devoured,  roasted veggies, and homemade potato pancakes with pesto. It was a good day.

While I was getting dinner ready and Jared was doing the incredibly challenging job of keeping Emerson busy and away from the kitchen, the reality of our day-to-day began weighing on me. The ins and outs. The ups and downs. In truth, the weight has been building since we moved. I've just been ignoring it, allowing more and more for it to grow. To build. Maybe it all seemed too much to shoulder at this particular moment because it was our anniversary- a day that in years past was a beautiful excuse to leave all the pressures and responsibilities of daily life behind, if only for a day. I'm not sure why it happened at this moment, but it happened and I became overwhelmed. Utterly overwhelmed. Looking around at the mess we made while preparing a meal, the one we'd have to clean up, the floors that needed to be swept and mopped, the laundry that needed folding, toys and tupperware scattered all over the house that needed to be put back into place. All of this needed to be done before putting Emerson to bed so we could enjoy a few quiet hours together as just us two.  The sounds of Jared and Emerson playing in the backyard, but being unable to join them because one of us has to get dinner ready… The reality of doing this same thing every. single. night. It all became too much.

"We'll get it done, Kate." Jared reassured. "It's alright." And I knew he was right. But at that moment it all felt like too much. 

Day in and day out, I have been diligently working to get everything done. When we finally got our new home in order after the crazy move(s) we endured, Jared and I thought it would be a good idea to make a cleaning schedule. The idea here was to create a daily plan; digestible little chunks of chores and to-dos, so that we would never  have to devote a full weekend to cleaning the entire house. It was meant to simplify the task of keeping a clean home and encourage more time spent doing what we love, together. So, is it working? Yes. And no. In theory, it sounds great. Digestible little chunks, right? But then the reality of a crazy busy life with a 1 year old is factored in and the fact that Jared is no longer on a cutter and now gets home at 4 or 5PM, and all of a sudden, I'm finding it hard to find a minute to breathe.

Our cleaning schedule:

Monday- Living room
Tuesday- Bathrooms
Wednesday- Kitchen, dining room, office
Thursday- Master BR
Friday- Guest and Emerson's BR

Looks simple right? Yes, but then I have to add in the daily to-do's. A quickly growing list that continually spills over into the next day.

Example:

Make a menu for the week
Grocery Shopping
Wash and stuff diapers
Laundry
Go to UPS to mail L's package
Find UPS
Thank you note to Grammy
Call people…you need to call people
Organize linen closet
Figure out where to hang pictures on the walls
Don't forget to eat
Be sure to breathe

I know that having a perfectly clean house isn't all that important. I know that if I miss a day on the schedule (the one that's supposed to make life easier), it'll be okay. But the silly perfectionist in me, the one who loves lists and checking them off, wants to reach the goal. I'm finding that it's getting done. It's all getting done. Floors are swept and mopped, baseboards and windows are clean. Furniture is dusted and a good meal is made at night. By the time the weekend comes, the three of us are ready to go. Beach, trails, bike rides. We're ready. And I do feel a sense of accomplishment and relief there, but where I'm lacking any real relief is in the areas of my life that are for just me. Quiet moments for myself. A hot bath. Writing here on my blog. Reading one of Juliette's books. Sitting in the sunshine without a care or worry in the world. Being a mom is all I've wanted for years and years and the happiness I feel as a mother is unparalleled. It truly is…but, and I hate to say but…but, part of being a mom is learning that your time is no longer your own. I think that's been the toughest adjustment for me so far. I think it will always be tough to accept.

Something I need to work on is finding balance. Etching in some time for me. And not feeling guilty about it. Taking time out to go shopping or to get a pedicure. Going for a run on the beach. Sitting in the bath with a good book for a half hour. I'm sure there are plenty of moms out there that have had an easier time than me finding that balance. I'm sure there are moms that are barely keeping afloat. And still, there are moms that upon reading this might say, "Suck it up and move on." I guess we all have to find our own way. I've spent most of my life feeling guilty about one thing or another. Struggling with being enough, Doing enough. Being good enough. I'm working on changing that. We drove to San Diego last weekend. Emerson and I spent the day with Danielle, while Jared helped Sean get his gym set up. As it always goes with Danielle and I, we talked for hours. Really listening to each other and helping each other work through the thick stuff of life. At some point, she said this to me, "You just have to do what you do and be who you are. It's that easy." I need reminders like these.

So, Sunday was our anniversary {Yes, today is not the same day that I began writing this. My time is not my own, remember:)} And it was a good day. And at the end of that good day, I had a mini melt down. "It's alright", Jared assured me. And moments later, I stopped what I was doing to look at the gift my Grammy sent us for our 6 year anniversary. A devotional bible for the year. I was going to put in on the bookshelf so that we wouldn't get food on it during dinner, when I randomly opened up to page 236, the reading for August 13th:

LEARN TO ENJOY LIFE MORE. 

Relax, remembering that I am God with you. I crafted you with enormous capacity to know Me and enjoy My presence.   

I guess it wasn't so random after all.

Jared and I are in conversation about how we will weave faith into our family. We're not sure what role religion- the going to church and reading the bible part of religion- will play in our children's upbringing. We're thinking about how we will introduce Emerson to God. How to show her who God is. What God is. We are far from knowing just the right way to do this. It seems so complex. Right now, all I'm sure of is that God is love. And this little devotional. This little passage. This is not complex at all. A friendly little reminder to breathe. To be still, and know that it really is alright. 

Life is a balancing act, and it isn't always easy. It's really hard actually, to find a balance when the ins and outs of our days are so very full. Thank goodness for Grammies and for friends like Danielle. For family and friends who remind us what's important in life and to know that some times, the not-so-important things, like washing dishes, have to happen too. And that's okay, just as long as you take some time to truly enjoy life.

New Traditions

Early last week, we were invited by our new friend Erin to come out for a sunset dinner on the beach.  All week I looked forward to Friday, knowing that this kind of thing was right up my ally.  Food, friends, nature. Perfect. 

Friday evening finally came and at around 6:30, Jared and I put Emerson in the carrier and walked to our perfect spot on the beach. We laid out a blanket then followed Emerson's lead to the swing set. We swung while we waited for the group to get there. When everyone arrived, and all of the introductions were made, we laid out more blankets and ate till our bellies were full. We talked, laughed and admired the ocean. At one point, a dolphin jumped completely out of the water. All of us at once exclaiming some version of,  "Oh my gosh! Did you see that? Amazing!" I think he was welcoming us all and asking us to come back next week.  I know we will. This is most certainly a tradition in the making:)

To The Sea

My Dearest Daughter,

It has been some time since I last wrote you a letter. You see, we've been busy and I haven't taken the time to slow my mind and tell you all the things I have on my heart to say. 

So here's one thing. One very special thing...

We brought you to the Pacific Ocean for the very first time. It was Independence Day. You and I had arrived to California just the day before and we were in the midst of a very challenging move. But on that day, we felt the need to slow down and go to the sea. To the place where we are reminded that whatever is going on in life, the waves will continue to roll into a shore that will always receive them. Indifferent to our worries. A place where we are reminded that we are just a small piece of a very large picture. 

Instantly, we found the calm we were looking for. Instantly upon seeing the blue-green water, our troubles were lifted. We inhaled the salty sea air and exhaled gratitude. And you loved it, little bird. You loved the beach and the sand and the waves so much. You laughed at the waves and studied the sand as it ran through your fingers. It was a very happy first. One that will be etched into my memory forever. We will return. Over and over again. And I know that like your daddy and I, you will always be able to find what you're looking for here. Where the sand meets the sea.

Love always,

Mama

Back to Cali

Sometimes when too much time passes in between writing, I develop a kind of writer's block. Over time, the things that are on my mind, all the things I want to share, turn into a knotty mess of letters and words in my head. Like fishing line in a spinning rod. Especially at times like these, when so much has changed in a short amount of time. So, I'll simply say this about the past 3 weeks- reunions are the best, moving is hard, Jared is amazing and our new home is perfect. We love it here. It took a while to get settled. We had to move out of the first house because of asbestos and Jared moved 12,000 pounds of household goods with a hand-truck and the help of our friend, Sean. It was beyond stressful. But we're here and life is good. Very good. I guess that means we're California Dreamin...

Jared's mom found a neighborhood park that Emerson loves. She and I go there nearly every day. 

Our friend, Heather lives just a few miles away. She and Jared have been friends since the Academy. Emerson met her for the first time and was totally drawn to her. Love at first sight :)

And just a few other things we've been enjoying. Green grass, dirt under fingernails, daddy dress-up, and purple play-dough...

I've got a lot to do to make this house a home. Pictures on the walls, bookshelves filled with books and keepsakes. Flowers to plant. Herbs to grow. The perfectionist in me is overwhelmed by the task. But the beauty is that it will all happen in time. Along with enjoying our new place on this earth. 

California, here we are.