katie lately

Monday, April 16, 2012

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,
There are moments when I worry. Okay, lately, there are a lot of moments when I worry. I'm so afraid that I won't be prepared enough to take care of you when you get here. That I won't be able to provide you with everything you need when you come into this world. As each day passes and your arrival gets closer and closer, I feel gripped with fear that I'm going to let you down. That I'm going to get it all wrong. I find myself completely weighed down with all kinds of questions. Will motherhood come naturally to me? How do you change a newborn baby's diaper? How will I function on such little sleep? What will our lives be like? Will I be a good mom? Am I ready for this? The questions go on and on.

The truth is, baby bird, that I don't think anyone can ever be ready for their lives to change so drastically in one small moment. Your are coming in 4 short weeks, whether I feel ready or not. And somehow, some way, I will fall into motherhood and I will learn that like it or not, there will be highs and lows. Ups and downs. And like the way the moon pulls to tides, together we will find our rhythm and it will be distinctly ours.

This weekend, we slept in, well your daddy slept in. I'm not sleeping as well these days. I washed and folded all of your clothes from the Miami baby shower and one that the ladies at work had for you. Your daddy took a few pictures of me at the end of 35 weeks and I took pictures around the yard. We also worked in the nursery. Your daddy hung some frames with pictures that I took when we lived in Virginia and he hung the mobile that your Mima and I made during spring break. Everything really is coming together.

There are times that I worry, little bean. But then I look around and I see this little life that your dad and I have made for ourselves. Our house is clean (well mostly), our bills are paid and we have food in the fridge. I think of our families. My parents and your daddy's and all the love they gave to us. We're going to love you like that, little one. There will never be a shortage of love in your life.Your dad and I love each other like crazy and when you get here that love will only grow. When I think of these things, I just know that we are going to be okay. I won't get everything right the first time. I'm sure I'll make plenty of mistakes but you will know you are loved right away.

As scared, nervous and excited as I am for your arrival, I'm ready baby girl. I'm ready to show you that in life, love is the most precious gift and its a gift you will be receiving every second of every day.

Love,
Momma

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Weeks 31 & 32

For every time I've thought of this little girl as a far off dream, her arrival is becoming more and more real every day. My body is beginning to take over. I can no longer sprint from place to place, and moving energetically around my classroom is no longer an option. Although my mind is still telling me to go, go, go, my body simply won't allow it anymore.

Some days, I come home and want to take off on my bike and ride to my park or go for a nice long walk. These are the ways I clear my head and reconnect with myself after a long day at work. But I have a feeling that my 10 mile rides and my 2 to 3 mile walks are a thing of the past for now.

It's all worth it though. The exhaustion. The aches. The breathlessness. Because soon, she will be here and I can't wait to meet her. Time seems to be slipping by very quickly now and although I may not feel ready, to be a mom (oh, the weight of that word...) I know that when she is placed in my arms, any worries or doubts I may have now will seem tiny compared to the love I will feel when I look into her eyes. Jared and I will be parents and our love will be multiplied.

Here are a few pictures from the past 2 weeks.

31 Weeks

32 Weeks

Jared's sister and mom had a beautiful shower for the little bird in South Beach this weekend. Being around family and friends I had not seen in months and in many cases years was heartwarming. Knowing how many people already care about our little girl was the most comforting thought. It was a lovely weekend.

A few pictures from the beach...

A Lovely Baby Shower...

We made the drive from Miami back to Key West with a car full of lovely things for our little dove. I can't wait to wash all of her tiny clothes and tuck them away in her drawers. I also got the stroller I had been wanting and am so excited about taking her on small adventures around the neighborhood.

Little Dove, I've been pretty tired these last couple of weeks. You are growing so fast and I am feeling every bit of 33 weeks pregnant. I plan on taking these next few weeks before you arrive as slowly as possible. You're coming into a wonderful world, baby girl. Full of people who already love you. But the world will be better when you get here. I am so excited for your birthday.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Mama's Girl

Making the decision to have a child

-It’s momentous

It is to decide forever

to have your HEART

walking around outside your body.

Growing up, I was always a mama’s girl. I was my mom’s little shadow. Never wanting to be too far from where she was. A satellite. Always orbiting around her, gravitating towards her. Always wanting to be near her. She was my comfort, my constant, my everything. My whole world- existing in one person. The one person who knew me better than anyone. My advocate, my enthusiast, my biggest fan. And I was hers.

Somewhere along the path that life leads us down, we begin to stray from the comfort of our mother’s arms, to seek independence, to break away. This process is as natural as breathing for all young women, and it happens almost effortlessly, and without thought. And years later, without warning, you turn back to find that that little girl is a distant memory. A musing of a life so simple and sweet. A memory.

Last night, I hugged my mom goodnight, and then went to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind was wandering from thought to thought like a butterfly might float from flower to flower. On this night, my mind had forsaken my body, keeping me from getting the sleep that this tired, pregnant body so desperately needs. My mind kept returning to the idea that my mom is no longer my center. And she hasn’t been for quite some time. This awareness feels like a cruel and harsh secret that for years, life has been hiding from me as I moved fluidly through each chapter of my life. From the perspective of a woman (me), who on some days, still feels like she’s 5 years old, sitting at her mother’s feet, eating grilled cheese with the crusts lovingly removed this reality is difficult to understand. For the mother (my mother), who on the day her daughter was born felt an extension of herself existing outside of her body; The mother who will forever be her daughter’s keeper I can only imagine, this reality is even more difficult to accept.

And here I find myself on a Thursday in early spring, with big salty tears rolling down my face. A new chapter of my life is beginning. In 8 short weeks, I will become a mother. I will become a mother. The child that I have carried in my heart all my life will be here. And I am comforted, calmed and eternally grateful that my mother, who was and still is the most important woman I know has given me all I need to be this precious baby girl’s everything, like she was for me.

*Note: I wrote three days ago but was unsure I wanted to post it. Even though I put a lot of my thoughts on this blog, there are still a lot of things that choose to keep private. I decided that the intentions I had when creating this space was for it to be a place where I could collect my thoughts, feelings and inspirations. Remembering that, I felt right posting these particular thoughts.