Hello Summer

Every summer since I was a little girl, my family traveled the country in my dad's camper. So it comes as no surprise that each year around this time, I get the itch to jump in the car or hop on a plane and just go. Anywhere that I can see something new and do something different. Since Emerson is so young, I don't think we'll be having any grand adventures this summer. Well, not the traveling kind ;) But there is still so much summer sweetness to look forward to.

Some things I'm looking forward to this summer...

Living in the Keys, so many of these things can be enjoyed all year round, but there is something about summer that makes them special. The more I think about it, the more happy I am to be staying home this summer. I'm looking forward to spending time with my little family. Just us. Tucked between oleander and palm trees. Taking boat rides around the sound and day trips to the beach. The first of so many summers spent with our Little Bird. 
Jared and I went for a walk yesterday evening. I carried Emerson in the K'Tan. It was overcast and there was a light breeze blowing. Emerson leaned back so that her head and neck were open to the wind. "She's like her mommy." Jared said. In that moment, my heart was filled knowing that this sweet girl, my little tag along will learn to love nature as much as I do. And yesterday, as she felt the warm summer breeze on her face, I can see she already has.  

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to the two most important men in my life...

Daddy, 

Thank you for always being there, to hold my hand and to guide me when I needed direction. Thank you for piling us up each summer in the camper and taking us on grand adventures all over the United States.  From you I have learned an appreciation for this beautiful country. Through your parenting, I have learned the importance of temperance and honesty and the value of doing what is right. 

Jared,

My Love. You bring balance, meaning, breath to my life. Like a seed that is thoughtfully cared for, my love for you has grown each day. But never in a million years could I have imagined the enormity, the vastness of the love I feel for you now that we have a daughter. To see you holding her warms my heart. On the day that Emerson was born, you were my strength. Looking into your eyes, you were the anchor that kept me from drifting away when I thought the pain was too much to bare. I love you a million times over. Happy First Father's day!

Emerson is One Month Old

Emerson is one month old. I can't believe I just wrote that... Emerson is one month old. 

On the morning that I went into labor, a calmness fell over me, like a veil, and I felt peace in my soul knowing that, our daydream baby, the musings of my heart for the past nine months would soon be here . My heart's delight, the product of of a love so big, our love, would soon be in my arms. 

When Emerson was born and they placed her on my chest, something inside of me was born as well. A love so powerful and so strong, flooding into every part of me. And with that love, the conviction that God made this little girl just for me and Jared. 

Emerson is one month old and oh, how life has changed. Since that day in May and especially in those first few days at home with her, I have questioned, second guessed and over-analyzed each decision I made as Emerson's mother. But I soon realized that all of my worrying was useless and trusting my instincts would lead me to such a peaceful feeling and the certainty that I was indeed born to do this. 

With each passing day as Emerson's mother, I find balance. With each new day, we find our rhythm as a family of three. Jared, Emerson and I. And each day, I learn more and more. Big things. Important things about what it means to be living this new life-- patience, forgiveness, acceptance, and trust. And within the space of each new day, the Lord shows his grace and I find a great deal of hope. Promises that I was made for this. That this sweet little girl was made just for us ....In Emerson's sleepy grin, her tiny hand wrapped around my finger, I find reminders that being a mama is the most gratifying, worthwhile journey of all. And my heart soars like an eagle at the thought of where this journey will take us. 

Emerson, my little bird. You are a gift from above. Born of a love that is so big, and will only continue to grow. In one month, you have completely changed my life. Your smile is pure joy. You are my greatest accomplishment. I love you to the moon and stars and back. You are our love story. 

Captivated

These days, my time and energy, every ounce of who I am is devoted to Emerson. It seems that quiet nights on the couch, Friday night happy hour at the harbor and weekend trips to Marvin Key are a distant memory. The life we once knew, the one that involved just the two of us, well that life has changed.

The truth is that some days are hard. I pace the house with a crying infant in my arms trying to figure out what is wrong. Has she been fed? Yes. Clean diaper? Yes? Then what is it?!? On these days I am full of self-doubt. What am I doing wrong? Am I ever going to get the hang of this? These are the days that I'd like to politely hand her to Jared or my mom, throw on my sneakers and run for miles around our quiet key.  

Some days, are easy. I spend most of my time trying to memorize the exact smell of her hair, the quiver of her bottom lip as she sleeps. I revel in how competent I feel as a mother. I drink in each moment I share with her in our little place in this big world. On these days I want nothing more than to watch in wonder at all of the little faces she makes after nursing, to hold her in my arms and count my blessings. 

Whether we're having an easy day or a hard day, it is with certainty I know, that during the nine months I carried her in my belly as well as these two and a half weeks living outside of my body, this tiny human being has become such a part of me. Connected. Woven together so intricately that to be separated would surely unravel me.

In two and a half weeks, Jared and I have become completely captivated by this little human being that we created. She is the sunshine during the day and the stars at night. And although some days leave us feeling drained, the love we have for our daughter is so big that we are still more fulfilled than we could have ever dreamed. 

A PerFeCt DaY

Today was a long day. In between feedings, Emerson was either crying or needing to be held. Today was the kind of day that emphasizes how drastically life has changed in these last two weeks. Gone are lazy afternoons, long bike rides and runs. I would be dishonest if I said that there weren't  times today when I didn't want to set Emerson down in her crib and fall to the floor and cry as well. Truth be told, I may have shed a tear or two. But as evening approached, my little bird was calm just long enough for the two of us to walk to the end of our street so that I could show her Sugarloaf Sound for the very first time. In that moment, I felt such joy, knowing that this was one of so many firsts that I will share with my daughter. In that moment, I knew that the sleepless nights and challenging days are more than worth it. Emerson  saw the water and felt the salty air on her skin for the first time today. And for me, that makes today a perfect day.

So This is Love

She is here. Emerson Faith is here. Born on May 16th at 12:08 pm and weighing 7 pounds 14 ounces. She is everything and more than I could have possibly imagined. And here I'll be, soaking up as many baby coos, morning smiles and sweet snuggles as I can ...

Our Maternity Photo Shoot

Several weeks ago, Jared and I had a maternity photo shoot. We were lucky enough to have my friend Jaimie's boyfriend, Presley Adamson take our pictures. He is not a maternity photographer by profession but he did an absolutely incredible job. Having someone we knew taking our pictures  made the whole process even more special and comfortable. I have to mention that Jared is much more of a natural having his picture taken than I am. I get a little embarrassed, but he just rolled right with it! These are a few of my favorites from the shoot...

Presley did such a wonderful job capturing this special moment. He took his time to make sure each shot was just right. It really was a dreamlike afternoon. Jared and I were totally focused on this pregnancy and our little girl and I'm so glad we have these pictures to look back on. 

Gratitude

One thing I can say about pregnancy, at least in my case, is that it forces you to look inside yourself, to become keenly self-aware and to kind of take inventory of your own flaws and shortcomings in order to change them so that one day, our children can be a better version of ourselves. 

Pregnancy has also  allowed me to find forgiveness and most importantly acceptance in who I am. And with that acceptance comes a beautiful, peaceful feeling. At a very young age, I adopted the nasty habit of comparing myself to others and although I still struggle with feeling comfortable in my own skin, the thought of bringing a new life into this world has encouraged me, pushed me to accept who I am.

During this pregnancy, I've had a lot of time alone with my thoughts. Especially now that I am not working, I've been able to quietly listen to the hopeful voice inside of me and to exercise gratitude in tiny things. One thing I've realized recently, is that I haven't given my body the appreciation and praise that it so rightfully deserves. Growing a baby is no small undertaking and I have to say, I am proud of this body for getting our sweet girl to where she is now. I am amazed at what my body has done in the past 39 weeks. 

Now, with only 11 days (give or take) until her birthday, I feel the need to keep moving forward. To approach each day with gratitude and to always be aware of the beauty life has to offer. I am so thankful for this experience. 

Note: As a result of entering into this blogging world, I have stumbled upon some incredible woman from whom I have found lots of inspiration. As I was writing this post, many of their words and wisdom came to mind. Here are a few of the blogs that I have been reading: Dear Baby, DixonLea Atelier, Life Made Lovely, Aura Joon (Who no longer blogs), and most recently (thanks to my dear friend, Danielle) Iron Yogini. Check them out. You may like them too!

38 Weeks~ 2 Weeks to Baby T

I cannot believe that our little girl 's birthday is in 2 weeks. Or even sooner! Friday was my last day at work for the foreseeable future (still trying to wrap my brain around that one) and I have been savoring every moment I've had at home and out and about. While I am very excited to meet our baby girl, I have delighted in these last few days of having her safe inside of my belly. In my mind, I know that  these are the last few days of uninterrupted sleep. Of quiet nights on the couch with Jared. Of quick trips into town and lazy afternoons. While I am anxious to meet our little girl, I really can't wait to meet her, I am still making a conscious effort to relish and appreciate these last few days of it being "just us". 

On Monday, Jared, my mom and I drove to Tavernier  to have lunch with our dear friends Rachael and Ron. They are transferring out of Miami soon and we wanted to see each other one more time before the baby comes. 

I spent Tuesday busy-beeing around the house, washing the last of the tiny clothes we've been given and organizing the nursery for the 100th time. I think I've given nesting a whole new meaning! My mom came over to take some belly pics and later, my dad and our friends John and Jenn came over for dinner. We feasted on the stone crab Jared caught and talked for hours.  

Jared took leave today. We drove into Key West together, spent a little time with my parents then my mom and I did some shopping and had lunch. Now, the night is winding down. Jared's watching the Rangers game and I'm having some serious Braxton Hicks contractions reminding me once again that she's on her way. And although I've savored every moment of these last few days, I still can't wait to be a mama and for the love that is "just us" to multiply.

All Else Fades, Fades Away

I felt contractions for the very first time a couple of nights ago. At first, I felt anxious; nervous. All I could think about was that we hadn't bought a cover for the changing pad! How could I possibly be ready for this if we had no cover for the changing pad?! But as I crawled into bed that night, my worries seemed to weaken. It seemed that the Lord stepped in and replaced worry or concern with a beautiful calm that reached every part of my being. Suddenly I knew that I can do this. And then, all else faded away and I fell asleep, knowing that Jared and I are ready. We're ready to meet her...

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,
There are moments when I worry. Okay, lately, there are a lot of moments when I worry. I'm so afraid that I won't be prepared enough to take care of you when you get here. That I won't be able to provide you with everything you need when you come into this world. As each day passes and your arrival gets closer and closer, I feel gripped with fear that I'm going to let you down. That I'm going to get it all wrong. I find myself completely weighed down with all kinds of questions. Will motherhood come naturally to me? How do you change a newborn baby's diaper? How will I function on such little sleep? What will our lives be like? Will I be a good mom? Am I ready for this? The questions go on and on. 


The truth is, baby bird, that I don't think anyone can ever be ready for their lives to change so drastically in one small moment. Your are coming in 4 short weeks, whether I feel ready or not. And somehow, some way, I will fall into motherhood and I will learn that like it or not, there will be highs and lows. Ups and downs.  And like the way the moon pulls to tides, together we will find our rhythm and it will be distinctly ours.   


This weekend, we slept in, well your daddy slept in. I'm not sleeping as well these days. I washed and folded all of your clothes from the Miami baby shower and one that the ladies at work had for you. Your daddy took a few pictures of me at the end of 35 weeks and I took pictures around the yard. We also worked in the nursery. Your daddy hung some frames with pictures that I took when we lived in Virginia and he hung the mobile that your Mima and I made during spring break. Everything really is coming together. 

There are times that I worry, little bean. But then I look around and I see this little life that your dad and I have made for ourselves. Our house is clean (well mostly), our bills are paid and we have food in the fridge.  I think of our families. My parents and your daddy's and all the love they gave to us. We're going to love you like that, little one. There will never be a shortage of love in your life.Your dad and I love each other like crazy and when you get here that love will only grow. When I think of these things, I just know that we are going to be okay. I won't get everything right the first time. I'm sure I'll make plenty of mistakes but you will know you are loved right away. 


As scared, nervous and excited as I am for your arrival, I'm ready baby girl. I'm ready to show you that in life, love is the most precious gift and its a gift you will be receiving every second of every day.


Love,
Momma