Dear Emerson,

I was looking through a magazine the other day, you were sitting in my lap and as I was flipping through, you suddenly took a keen interest in the pages. You reached out and enthusiastically explored them with your hands,  scrunching the pages in your tiny fists and tearing them a little bit. Then of course you had to taste this new found "toy" as well! Your daddy and I were giggling at the sight.

Sweet girl, you are so curious about the world around you. I can see that you already have such an adventurous spirit. I hope that as you grow, as the dimples in your tiny hands disappear, you continue to reach out with the same amount of enthusiasm and zeal as you do now. That you move toward each new day with an eagerness and a hunger to live life to the fullest. And that adventure awaits you every step of the way.

You are our greatest adventure.

Love,
Mama

Happiness

From the time I was very little, my mom and dad took us to our Grandparent's house in Sebring, Florida at least once a month. We'd pack up the car or, once I was a little bit older, the motorhome and make the 4 hour drive north from Homestead. Grammy and Pappy would always be waiting in their front yard for us with welcoming waves, big smiles and even bigger hugs for us all. It was a home away from home. Grammy would show us the flowers growing alongside the shed and Pappy would show us his latest wood-working project and depending on the time of day we arrived, he'd toss us a fishing pole and some day old bread or set us down for supper. Oh, my heart is flooded with joy thinking of that place. So many of my most cherished moments were spent there.The kind of moments that molded me and shaped so much of who I am today. 

Hmm...I just realized that I have been staring off into space for several minutes, letting my mind take me back to so many sticky sweet memories of my Grammy and Pappy's place...okay, back to the present ;) 

As a little girl, there home was a place of comfort for me. A place of enchantment. It was almost magical. My Pappy, with the help of family and friends, built that house. The living room seemed so grand to me. Cedar walls that stretched to a vaulted ceiling. Big braided rugs on the floor. A wood burning stove where Pappy let us toss old newspapers to burn in the winter. Even if it was 85 degrees outside. My Grammy and Pappy's bedroom seemed grand too. I can remember the bright pink carpet in their bathroom and the wallpaper with perfume bottles on it. Oh my gosh, I loved that pink carpet! They had an eat-in kitchen with a big wooden table that took up most of the walking space. Every morning, we'd shuffle in and eat breakfast there. Pappy would make pancakes and on special days (every day was a special day with him) he'd make them in the shape of Micky Mouse for me and my siblings and cousins. The guest bedroom was for my Great Grandma Hubler. I loved going in there as a little girl to rummage through coats and dresses and flowery bed sheets in the closet. They smelled like memories to me. So old, so many stories within the fabric. And there was a loft in that room where twin sized mattresses were stored for when we had lots of family in town.  Norman Rockwell sketches, a wall of old family portraits and fluffy pancakes. That's what I remember. But really, we didn't spend much time indoors. Mostly, we were out on the patio or in the backyard or fishing and swimming in the canal. 

Somehow, all of these things, these moments of comfort and coziness and unreserved delight led my young heart to believe that my grandparents were very, very rich. They had to be! Everything I ever wanted or needed was right there. Family, food, fun and a surplus of love and laughter for any one who walked through their door. It was the kind of place that you went to and just felt better by being there. I don't think it was until high school when I realized that my grandparents weren't rich at all. In fact neither of them had a retirement. They made due with what they had in savings and what they were provided with by social security. No, my grandparents were not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. They didn't have a big bankroll or fancy flatware. Bowls and plates that had been collected over time, mismatched furniture, handmade rugs and so much love going around that no one ever noticed. And they were truly happy.

Happiness isn’t about having what you want or think you need. It’s about being happy with what you’ve got. What’s right there in front of you and being darn thankful for it.

For most of my life, I've struggled with bouts of anxiety and depression. Not all of the time, but

there are times when it's hard to be positive. There have been days lately, when I've had a difficult time seeing past the shadows of gloominess. I've begun a lot of my sentences with "if only".

"If only it were cooler here, Emerson and I could get outside more..." 

"If only there were a mall or a Target on this stinkin' island, Emerson and I could have relief from this heat..."

"If only... If only... If only... " It's a very dangerous term, because what you're really saying is that you're not happy with your current situation and the only way you could possibly be happy is if things were different somehow. In comparing your life as you are living it to a life perceived to be better, you are robbing yourself of joy. Don't let comparison steal your joy,Katie...

And another dangerous manifestation of an unhappy state...you look for someone to blame for the unhappiness. Jared and I have had a few serious conversations lately about just that. Unfortunately, as I've struggled with this negativity, I've allowed it to spill over onto him. But the truth is, it isn't fair to hold any one other than ourselves responsible for the mood we are in. Jared has so very much to do with my happiness, but he isn't responsible for my happiness. That's up to me. We were talking the other day and I told him about Grammy and Pappy. Their home, and the warm memories I have there. How although they had very little, they shared a love that was so big, every heart that passed through their doors overflowed with happiness. Their happiness didn't come from anything other than the love they shared for each other and with their family and friends . 

Positive minds live positive lives. There is always, always something to be thankful for and something to smile about. The happiest people are not those who get everything they want; they are those who in pursuit of worthy goals, notice and appreciate the beauty and sweetness of every day moments." ~Marc and Angel via the journey is the reward

When I  think about this life I'm living, and the man I'm sharing it with I know, I know how completely, absolutely, entirely blessed I am. And I can only hope that one day, when our sweet daughter has children of her own, they will walk through our door and feel what I felt as a child walking through my grandparents'. Love, love, beautiful love. That they will have sticky sweet memories of a place where happiness thrived. And that one day, when Jared and I are no longer here, happiness will be our legacy and will live on in our daughter. 

When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.

~Buddah

Growing in Gratitude

While I was pregnant with Emerson, I was very deliberate about my happiness. I thanked the good Lord daily for my good fortune, avoided negativity and immersed myself in things that made me feel good. I was bringing love and all things uplifting to me and my growing baby all day long. I was joyful. It was so freeing. But I have found that as I try to navigate these new, unchartered waters of motherhood, depression and anxiety (two old friends, but not really friends at all) have inched their way back into my life. Not every day, all day but they make their presence known from time to time . 

Being a mom is such a humbling experience. Suddenly it's not just about me and my heart, my happiness anymore. Of course it hasn't been just about me since Jared and I got married. On the day I married Jared, we became one. I happily became us. But, becoming a mother, well that's a whole new level of  selflessness. Suddenly you're accutley aware of the decisions you make and how everything you do will affect your little one. You want nothing more in life than for her to be safe, healthy and truly happy. And that happiness comes first from me.

So, I have down days. I do. Days when I am sad. But I can't live there. I can't let those days eclipse the beauty in my life. I think we all have a choice to either allow negativity to seep in or to see all the good in this crazy thing called life. And I choose to see it. To embrace it. Will I still have down days? Of course. And on those days, I will seek out the good. I will choose happiness. I am going to live this life.

Today, I'm starting something new here in this space. I'm calling it Growing in Gratitude. Here, I will write down what I am thankful for. There is just so much joy to be found in our daily lives. And hopefully, on the days that I find it hard to be positive, I can look back and be reminded of how lovely life truly is.  

Today, I'm thankful for the tiny rough spots on my little girl's elbows and knees that are developing as she lifts and pulls and pushes her way around her play mat. My future crawler!

Today I'm thankful for time spent chatting with my friend Abby this morning, as we sat with our two little ones on the floor and sipped on yummy chocolate banana shakes. 

Today, I'm thankful for nap time. Emerson is finally on a schedule!

Today I'm thankful...

A Letter

A few months before I got pregnant, I had the idea to begin writing letters to my daydream baby. I wanted to jot down my hopes and dreams for her (or him), things I wanted to teach her, wisdom I wanted to pass on to her about life and love and happiness. I planned on writing letters throughout my pregnancy, to share how much I cherished that time. For some reason, I had it in my mind to do this letter writing online. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am not a tech savvy girl. In fact, sometimes I think that I repel all things technology related. But this was what I wanted to do, so one night in Virginia, as Jared was studying, I got online and simply typed Dear Baby into the Google search bar and the most adorable blog popped up in my search. I spent some time reading the beautiful letters that this mama had written to her children and found this one that she had written to her self. The blog also led me to many others that I found so sweet and inspiring. I really liked the idea of having my own little space to write, so I decided that I would start a blog. It wouldn't be a baby blog exactly, but it would be a place for me to write down what was on my mind and to share the things that I find inspiring and lovely. 

So I did :) 

And here I am over a year later, writing, taking pictures and sharing those things that I find lovely and inspiring and sometimes sharing the letters that I write to my sweet baby bird. 

So, from the inspiration I found in this post, here goes... 

If I could go back and offer any sort of wisdom or insight to my pre-mama self I would say…

Dear Me,

Very soon, your life will drastically change. Nothing can prepare you for life to change so completely, so quickly. You will finally meet the little one growing safely inside of you. Your daydream baby. She will completely change not only your world but how you see it as well. Everything will change.

{Beauty}

In the next several months, your body will grow and change before your very eyes.  Some changes will be warmly welcomed while others may leave you wondering if you’ll ever be the same. Embrace the changes. All of them. Take this time to be in awe of the beauty of your body. Honor your body, for the amazing thing it’s doing. Growing your baby.

{Strength and Courage}

Right now, you are wavering between getting an epidural or not. In the end, you decide you want it. Please don’t feel like less of a woman for it. At the time, it was the best decision for you. However, you should know this: In the moments before she is born, your body will experience pain that you are presently unable to imagine. And in that pain, you will find courage and strength. Strength that you didn’t know you had. Courage that will get you through. There will be flashes when strength and courage seem to cave in, this is when you will cling to your husband. He will be strong for you. He will be brave. In his eyes, you will find the resolve you need to keep going.  He will be the anchor that holds you to this earth when you think your body will surely give in to the pain. And you will love him even more for it. Even with the epidural there will be pain, and at the end of that pain, awaits an inexplicable joy and the knowledge that you did it. You brought her into this world.

{Love}

Right now, you think you know the ability of your heart to love another completely, but you have no idea the love that will pour out of your entire being for the tiny human that’s about to enter your world. Even months after she is born, a spark will catch light in the deepest parts of your soul each time you look at her and you will wonder how you could love her more today than you did the day before. But you do.

You will love Jared more intensely as you watch him take on the role of father and you will love yourself more because for nine months she grew safely inside of you.

{Marriage}

Savor these last few weeks with Jared. Stay up late with him and sleep in as long as you can. Because very soon, your world of just us will be transformed. There are trying times ahead, sweet mama to be. Times that will leave you feeling bared and broken. Times when you’ll feel like you’re right in the middle the wind and rain of a bad storm. But the skies will clear. They always do and you’ll be left with blue skies and sunshine and a love that is so much stronger and richer than ever before.

{Perspective}

You will think back on times when, you said things like, “I’ll have no problem leaving the kids for a weekend getaway with the girls.” Or “I would never give my baby a pacifier.” Yeah. You’re going to eat those words! There will be nights when you’d do just about anything to calm your unhappy baby. And soon you’ll learn that moments away from her will leave your heart aching. Seconds will feel like years as you wait to hold her in your arms again. This is a new kind of love. One that is endless and pure and it will further define who you are and what you believe.

{Capture it All}

Take lots of pictures and videos! Take the time to record each moment that you think is special, each day that she does something new no matter how small and each milestone because they’ll go so fast and although you don’t think you will, you will surely forget.

{Pray and Let It Be}

You’re going to be tired. Correction. You’re going to be exhausted. There will be days when you are so sleep deprived that putting together a coherent sentence will be challenging. Somehow despite the thick haze of exhaustion you live in daily, you’ll push yourself to get things done. You’ll search for hobbies, for diversions as she sleeps to make you feel more you. Don’t.  Find comfort in the quiet, gratitude in a cup of coffee and joy in her tiny chest on yours and just be. It is going to be hard, but you’ll get through.  

And when you think that you can’t take another sleepless night or monotonous day, because there will be times when you feel that way, lean on your family and friends. Even though they are far away, they are there to listen. But mostly, pray. In your tiredness, you’re going to forget to do that. You’ll come around, and when you do, pray for guidance, mercy and grace.

Try not to compare yourselves or your little one to others. Cut yourself some slack. There will be times, when although unknowingly, family members and friends will make you feel guilty for one thing or another. Remember that they mean well, accept it and move on. Don’t try to justify the choices you make for your little one.  There are no hard and fast rules. Remember that although at times you have no idea what you are doing, you and Jared will learn together. And believe it or not, you are the experts. Love yourself for what you are doing. Mistakes and all. Because after everything is said and done, you will realize that you are the best mama for your baby. After all, you were made for this.

Love,

Me

A Mess of Pictures from Tennessee

These are just a few of the pictures that I took around my parent's house in Tennessee. I wanted so badly to bring my "big girl" camera (my Nikon D 5100). It would have been the perfect time to learn how to use the thing. But with an infant in tow, I had to pack light. I think my little point and shoot did alright though :)

That's my mom is the background, holding her grandbaby and telling her about the flowers growing in her yard. She passed her love of nature on to me and I know that together, we'll pass that same love on to Emerson.

I love my mom and dad's home. Nestled between oaks and pines, it's such a welcomed retreat. There are so many beautiful moments of pause in that place. Taking pictures of the things that grow there inspires me and calms me at the same time.