New Beginnings...

As the days pass and the weeks turn into months, I have found it harder and harder to come here and write. I still take pictures every day. Of our home, our garden, of our daughter, of our life as we're living it. Bits and pieces of our day. The little things from which I draw so much inspiration and happiness. I tell myself that I'll eventually take the time to tell my story and share those little moments here. Pictures with words. A beautiful account. But then days pass. Weeks pass. And a month has gone by and still, I can't seem to find the right words to put down.

When I was in grad school, I was one of the only people in my cohort who hadn't yet joined Facebook. I may have been the only person. During a discussion on social media's role in the educational system, my professor asked me why I hadn't joined the millions of other users, pointing out that it was a great way to stay open and connected and to share what was going on in our lives. I told him plainly that it just wasn' t for me. A year later, just before leaving Virginia for Florida, I joined. My intention was to keep in touch with friends. I thought it might be a good way to stay connected after all. As it turns out. I never get on and if I want to catch up with the people who are important to me, I call them or write. Around the same time, I also started this blog. This seemed like a form of social media that I could enjoy. A creative outlet and a home for my pictures. And I did enjoy it. I used to love writing here. When I found inspiration from my surroundings, from my day to day and from other bloggers, I loved to come here to record my own thoughts- what was on my heart and mind.

I read this quote the other day.

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension and not in another. The past, present and future mingle to pull us backward, forward or fix us in the present. We are all made up of layers. Cells, constellation." 

~ Anais Nin

We are always growing and changing. Moving forward in one arena while maybe standing still in another. And that is okay. Sharing is all a part of the journey, I'm just not sure I need to share it all here.

These days I'm having a difficult time seeing the value in all of that. It isn't that I no longer find inspiration from the world around me. It isn't that I no longer stand in awe in the presence of beautiful light or become softened when my daughter holds my hand. I still find beauty in a flower and am moved by other's stories in person and on-line, I'm just not sure that this- the internet is the place that I should archive those thoughts and ideas. I'm not sure this is where I should come when I feel inspired.

I was once reminded by a friend that it is often easier and more motivating to write for an audience. As a former teacher, I do believe it's true and have driven that point home to my students. "Address your audience." Keep your audience in mind as you prepare your piece." In the world of social media, our audience is expanded.. and so is the stage. In a land of blogs, twitter and Pinterest, there are so many ideas, photos and voices suggesting what our lives should look like- how we should mother, how to cook a great meal, how to keep a lovely home, how to craft, how to dress and how "to be more present"... For a person like me, it can all become very overwhelming. It can be a breeding ground for insecurity and self-doubt. A place where my own voice is muffled to the point where it has become difficult to tell which voice is mine amongst the influence of others. So many turn to these forms of social media for answers, for inspiration, for a guidebook on how to be. I've been guilty of it so many times. Scrolling through pages and pages of pretty pictures and beautiful words. Looking for answers in someone else's story.

"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on you shoulder..."

~Henry David Thoreau

Today, I've decided to quiet my mind a little. To allow myself to appreciate the quiet and to enjoy the beauty that is to be seen. To enjoy the little things that all add up to be something much, much bigger. And to avoid the pressure I place on myself to share it with anyone in any way other than how I want to share it.

Whispers in my daughter's ear. Laughter as I watch her explore her world. A phone call to a friend. A letter in the mail. A kiss for my husband as we sit outside and talk about our day. And quiet moments alone as I take it all in, finding beauty in the ordinary, the every day moments of this precious life.

Always one to feel things strongly. Always one to think too deeply about matters. Maybe I'm taking this on-line world too seriously. Still, I think that my time here is done. Goodbyes have never been easy for me. There is always a feeling of panic in the moments before a goodbye. But there is also a great relief that comes when we know we've done what's best for ourselves. Every day we learn and grow. We move forward and backward. For me, it won't take place here any longer. Goodbye. Thank you.