Mama's Girl

Making the decision to have a child

-It’s momentous

It is to decide forever

to have your HEART

walking around outside your body.

Growing up, I was always a mama’s girl. I was my mom’s little shadow. Never wanting to be too far from where she was. A satellite. Always orbiting around her, gravitating towards her. Always wanting to be near her. She was my comfort, my constant, my everything. My whole world- existing in one person. The one person who knew me better than anyone. My advocate, my enthusiast, my biggest fan. And I was hers.

Somewhere along the path that life leads us down, we begin to stray from the comfort of our mother’s arms, to seek independence, to break away. This process is as natural as breathing for all young women, and it happens almost effortlessly, and without thought. And years later, without warning, you turn back to find that that little girl is a distant memory. A musing of a life so simple and sweet. A memory.

Last night, I hugged my mom goodnight, and then went to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind was wandering from thought to thought like a butterfly might float from flower to flower. On this night, my mind had forsaken my body, keeping me from getting the sleep that this tired, pregnant body so desperately needs. My mind kept returning to the idea that my mom is no longer my center. And she hasn’t been for quite some time. This awareness feels like a cruel and harsh secret that for years, life has been hiding from me as I moved fluidly through each chapter of my life. From the perspective of a woman (me), who on some days, still feels like she’s 5 years old, sitting at her mother’s feet, eating grilled cheese with the crusts lovingly removed this reality is difficult to understand. For the mother (my mother), who on the day her daughter was born felt an extension of herself existing outside of her body; The mother who will forever be her daughter’s keeper I can only imagine, this reality is even more difficult to accept.

And here I find myself on a Thursday in early spring, with big salty tears rolling down my face. A new chapter of my life is beginning. In 8 short weeks, I will become a mother. I will become a mother. The child that I have carried in my heart all my life will be here. And I am comforted, calmed and eternally grateful that my mother, who was and still is the most important woman I know has given me all I need to be this precious baby girl’s everything, like she was for me. 

*Note: I wrote three days ago but was unsure I wanted to post it. Even though I put a lot of my thoughts on this blog, there are still a lot of things that choose to keep private. I decided that the intentions I had when creating this space was for it to be a place where I could collect my thoughts, feelings and inspirations. Remembering that, I felt right posting these particular thoughts.