When Jared and I first moved in together, we quickly learned that we did not know how to argue well with each other. Sure, we knew how to point out each other's downfalls and shortcomings and I was certainly well versed in language like "I hate it when you..." and "you never...", but it was a good six months of living together before we were able to 1- understand each other well enough not to argue over every. little. thing. and 2- argue in a fair and productive way. Merging our lives into one small living space, no matter how much we loved each other required a whole lot of compromise, and cooperation. It was work and it wasn't always easy, but it forced us to step outside of our comfort zones and to find balance between our individual needs and our combined needs as a couple. It certainly made us stronger. 


In the almost five years that we've been husband and wife, never once have I questioned the strength of our relationship. Not once have I doubted the depth of our love. Because we put in the work. We got our hands dirty, and brick by brick built our marriage to withstand any storm. No amount of wind or rain could possibly threaten its foundation. Still, I hate when we argue.

For nearly 5 years its been just us. Devoting our time and energy to our marriage . Delighting in the knowledge that we belong to each other. Connected in every way possible. Changing and growing in love. Then came Emerson, our sweet baby girl. No longer are we just husband and wife, but mama and daddy too. She has our time and energy. We delight in knowing that she is ours. That we are a family. And each day she takes us places where our love changes and grows in ways we never imagined. And with this change comes less time and less energy to spend on ourselves as individuals or on our relationship. Again, we are having to compromise. Again we are having to work. 


And it's hard. 


Sometimes it feels like an eternity since we've been truly connected. Since we've looked in each other's eyes and really listened to what the other is saying. Since I've run my hand across his back like I do. Since he's wrapped me in his arms and I've nestled my head on his chest. Sometimes it feels like forever since we've truly treasured the good thing we have. This is when I feel the most lost. 


Sleepless nights, demanding days, tears, worry, frustration. There have been days when I barely recognize myself. Rather, I see the girl I once was- self-doubting, anxious and altogether unsure. Days when depression makes me its home. And sometimes it boils over. And we find ourselves taking our frustrations out on each other. But still, we give all of ourselves to this precious girl whose been given to us. We love her wholly. And we are thankful. 


I want this space-this blog to be a place to promote the positive. I want it to be a place of beauty. A place to celebrate a lovely life. And it is that. But sometimes, some days, right now, I'm finding it hard to identify where I am. Life has changed. It's not easy. I didn't think it would be. So on these days, there may not be pretty pictures and cheerful prose. But that's life and that's okay.


I took my mom to the air port today and as I drove away the loneliness was palpable. I don't know why. Being a military wife, I'm used to being by myself for significant stretches of time. So I stopped by our friends' place to chat. As soon as I walked into their apartment, Emerson started crying. Screaming. Try as I might to maintain composer, I became unhinged. I blathered a few incoherent sentences, most of which were negative in nature and left feeling tense and anxious. A fish out of water. 


It's in moments like these that I know our work here is not done. Life has changed and it's time to get our hands dirty again. Still, I'm not worried. As out of place as I've been feeling, I know we'll find our rhythm again. We will make it work. We will laugh and live and love our way through this life we are making with each other. Hand in hand we will move forward, knowing that we were made for each other and that the love we share will always, always be.