Captivated

These days, my time and energy, every ounce of who I am is devoted to Emerson. It seems that quiet nights on the couch, Friday night happy hour at the harbor and weekend trips to Marvin Key are a distant memory. The life we once knew, the one that involved just the two of us, well that life has changed.

The truth is that some days are hard. I pace the house with a crying infant in my arms trying to figure out what is wrong. Has she been fed? Yes. Clean diaper? Yes? Then what is it?!? On these days I am full of self-doubt. What am I doing wrong? Am I ever going to get the hang of this? These are the days that I'd like to politely hand her to Jared or my mom, throw on my sneakers and run for miles around our quiet key.  

Some days, are easy. I spend most of my time trying to memorize the exact smell of her hair, the quiver of her bottom lip as she sleeps. I revel in how competent I feel as a mother. I drink in each moment I share with her in our little place in this big world. On these days I want nothing more than to watch in wonder at all of the little faces she makes after nursing, to hold her in my arms and count my blessings. 

Whether we're having an easy day or a hard day, it is with certainty I know, that during the nine months I carried her in my belly as well as these two and a half weeks living outside of my body, this tiny human being has become such a part of me. Connected. Woven together so intricately that to be separated would surely unravel me.

In two and a half weeks, Jared and I have become completely captivated by this little human being that we created. She is the sunshine during the day and the stars at night. And although some days leave us feeling drained, the love we have for our daughter is so big that we are still more fulfilled than we could have ever dreamed.