Making the decision to
have a child
-It’s momentous
It is to decide forever
to have your HEART
walking around outside
your body.
Growing up, I was always a
mama’s girl. I was my mom’s little shadow. Never wanting to be too far from
where she was. A satellite. Always orbiting around her, gravitating towards
her. Always wanting to be near her. She was my comfort, my constant, my everything. My whole world- existing in
one person. The one person who knew me better than anyone. My advocate, my enthusiast,
my biggest fan. And I was hers.
Somewhere along the path
that life leads us down, we begin to stray from the comfort of our mother’s
arms, to seek independence, to break away. This process is as natural as
breathing for all young women, and it happens almost effortlessly, and without
thought. And years later, without warning, you turn back to find that that
little girl is a distant memory. A musing of a life so simple and sweet. A
memory.
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Last night, I hugged my
mom goodnight, and then went to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind was
wandering from thought to thought like a butterfly might float from flower to
flower. On this night, my mind had forsaken my body, keeping me from getting
the sleep that this tired, pregnant body so desperately needs. My mind kept
returning to the idea that my mom is no longer my center. And she hasn’t been
for quite some time. This awareness feels like a cruel and harsh secret that for
years, life has been hiding from me as I moved fluidly through each chapter of
my life. From the perspective of a woman (me),
who on some days, still feels like she’s 5 years old, sitting at her mother’s
feet, eating grilled cheese with the crusts lovingly removed this reality is
difficult to understand. For the mother (my
mother), who on the day her daughter was born felt an extension of herself
existing outside of her body; The mother who will forever be her daughter’s
keeper I can only imagine, this reality is even more difficult to accept.
And here I find myself on
a Thursday in early spring, with big salty tears rolling down my face. A new
chapter of my life is beginning. In 8 short weeks, I will become a mother. I will become a mother. The child that I have carried in my heart all my life will
be here. And I am comforted, calmed and eternally grateful that my mother,
who was and still is the most important
woman I know has given me all I need to be this precious baby girl’s
everything, like she was for me.
*Note: I wrote three days ago but was unsure I wanted to post it. Even though I put a lot of my thoughts on this blog, there are still a lot of things that choose to keep private. I decided that the intentions I had when creating this space was for it to be a place where I could collect my thoughts, feelings and inspirations. Remembering that, I felt right posting these particular thoughts.
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